Id still catch a grenade for you...

I try to rationalize whats really going on

Was this fate?

What am I being told here?

Just mere weeks before i set on out on my great adventure,

and an obstacle has been placed in front of me.

Dont get me wrong, 

Its not something I want to avoid.

Its something very exciting.

And its a total secret...

But just as a little insight....

This girl totally blows me away....

The Future is Bulletproof....

Last night I had a dream.....

I was back on base with some of my shipmates, we'd just come back from a bar on Corry, when we

were stopped by three men in a SUV. 

They look like your usual type of hostage taking criminal....

Black ski masks

MP5's (its a submachine gun)

and just a general pissed of attitude.

As we are getting tossed into this SUV, one of my friends decided to play hero

and wrestled one of the baddies. Seeing him struggling with this hard dog, i felt

compeled to help my friend. As I go in to do what i assume was some

kick ass finishing type move..

*Bang*

And I fall to the ground. 

Id heard dying in a dream was supposed to be a scary thing..

but it really wasnt. 

That being said. It made me, along with a conversation I had yesterday, think about the direction my life was going in and if Ive in fact accomplished anything at all. 

For 24ish, Ive learned a skill most white people only dream to learn. Loved, lost and seen

someone else take my place. Ive been overseas and kick myself in the ass and joined the military.

I feel like I've done a lot. But im not fulfilled. I always want more. I want a little me eventually, a wifey and atleast a house and a dog. (no white picket fence though)

Dead would be robbing me of my great journey in life.

And im not about to let that happen. Not yet at least.

Usher needs to write a song about me

My last few minutes of self loathing.

            Ill admit it, I was scared. Id been burned too many times before. My defenses were up. Even if I was comfortable with you, I wasnt ready to let them down till I knew you wouldn't leave. I let my inadequacies take hold. I had to sit back and watch as you slipped away from me. Through boyfriends and random hook ups. I put on my best "I dont care" face. But I really did, i really really did. I just took it, it was like my own personal hell. But some good did come out of it. I got to know someone who ill always love, and im fairly certain ill never make the same mistakes again. If I ever meet someone like you, i wont let them go.