You cant force them to like ya

On my lunch break today, I started to watch this interview Larry King did in 2010 for George Washington University. Magically this has inspired me. I had been feeling really down about my future choice in careers. Do I feel like I can get some big following by just writing or speaking? Yes. Do I still have a big fear of public speaking? Yes. Sometimes it holds me back. I just need to write. I need to do it. I stop sometimes because I feel like I have nothing to say. What I really should do is just chronicle some of the interesting things that have happened to me over the years. Im by no means a fresh spring chicken, but I feel like its hard to dig deep down and pull out a story that everyone will be interested in hearing. With my current goal of trying to go back to college well into play, I need to step up my game a little bit. People wont believe that Im this awesome writer/ orator just on hopes and wishes alone. I need to really get back on it.

Day 1: Here we go....

I wanna have control

Ive spent the lesser part of a year out to sea, deployed to the Persian Gulf. Day in and day out for almost 9 months I did the exact same thing everyday,  spending what precious little free time I had either a.) in my bed or b.) trying to do something fun to quell my boredom/loneliness. Now for the first few months, I wasn’t really lonely. Well, sort of. I was with this girl on board who I was totally smitten with (for no apparent reason) and tried to spend whatever time I could with her. Unfortunately for me, she didn’t really give a shit and we never really hung out, but that’s a different story for a different time. Anyways, in my time of reflection, Ive tried to sit here and piece together the broken puzzle that is my life. Am I happy doing this? Why did I bother to date that girl knowing she would just be a big fucking slut and move on? Should I really worry about what all these people on this little boat think about me and my life choices? All of it seems kind of silly. Little known fact, Im extremely self-conscience about a lot of things. What people think is one of them. Does that really stop me from doing anything? Yes, all the time, other days I just don’t care. Fear keeps people from doing a lot of things they should do in their lives. I don’t want to live like that anymore.

It led me to my next big realization: I *was* depressed. I tried to fill that void left by Elizabeth by doing just random shit around the boat or watching movies or whatever. But when you’re trapped in 505ft of metal having to see the same person who ripped out your heart with no care, it gets to you. Everytime we’d hit port id hit the bottle extra hard in hopes that, even if just for one night, I could forget about that devil woman and be somewhat normal. What brought me out of it? That’s for me to know, but just know that if I didn’t have such great friends then I would never have made it through.

In about two months ill be taking my first ever trip to New York City. The thought of traveling to such a large city gives me the chills sometimes. I wasn’t raised in a big city so trying to work my way through them is quite the task. Even in Tokyo, a city that I studied meticulously beforehand, was a bit much for me. Luckily for me I have my little duck and all her friends there. I told her I wanted to see *her* NYC, not the TV one. It cool to go and see all the touristy places, wait in line forever to stand at the top of the statue of liberty and all that, but its not what I want. I want to go to the local restaurants and go into a food coma. Things like that. Given the chance I want to live like a new Yorker, if only for a few days.

More to come. Stay tuned

Same glass curtain Im hiding behind.

Long time no see world.

Ive missed you.

A lot has happened in the months since ive left for deployment.

I wont spend this time to sit here and bad mouth someone that treated me
like dirt, cause wheres the fun in that?
This is going to be about my future, because I need to keep my head forward and focused
on something that wouldnt have even included that person anyways.

I had a dream the other night that I was laying down in the store room of some kitchen in NYC. All i could think about was "what the hell am i going to serve for dinner?"
Staring at the ceiling, it all began to come to me. Roast duck with a maple demi-glaze, red potatoes roasted in the juices from the duck. Some sort of asparagus, most likely broiled with olive oil and rosemary, served with a mini baggett. When i woke up from this dream I about lost my damn mind. I was so hungry (for actual food and..) to be back in the kitchen. Like a distant lover calling in the night, I feel like i need to answer this call.
It started to make me think. I really do fit this kind of loner, vagabond image of a chef. Not outwardly, but in personality and social deficiency.
My natural distrust of people seems to fade away when im behind a grill, or rolling sushi for that matter.
If I could be cooking right now I wouldnt be such the wreck that I am right now.
Or better yet, I would be inspired to create something so ridiculous that it would catch on and be a smash hit. (I.E. the "Willy" roll for those of you that ive made sushi for)
It also helps me work things out.
Which I need right now.
Stupid girls.


Anywho, ill keep this sweet and simple.
Yes, im fine.
I feel off the horse for a minute, but im good.