Ive spent the lesser part of a year out to sea, deployed to
the Persian Gulf. Day in and day out for almost 9 months I did the exact same
thing everyday, spending what precious
little free time I had either a.) in my bed or b.) trying to do something fun
to quell my boredom/loneliness. Now for the first few months, I wasn’t really
lonely. Well, sort of. I was with this girl on board who I was totally smitten
with (for no apparent reason) and tried to spend whatever time I could with
her. Unfortunately for me, she didn’t really give a shit and we never really
hung out, but that’s a different story for a different time. Anyways, in my
time of reflection, Ive tried to sit here and piece together the broken puzzle
that is my life. Am I happy doing this? Why did I bother to date that girl
knowing she would just be a big fucking slut and move on? Should I really worry
about what all these people on this little boat think about me and my life
choices? All of it seems kind of silly. Little known fact, Im extremely
self-conscience about a lot of things. What people think is one of them. Does that
really stop me from doing anything? Yes, all the time, other days I just don’t care.
Fear keeps people from doing a lot of things they should do in their lives. I don’t
want to live like that anymore.
It led me to my next big realization: I *was*
depressed. I tried to fill that void left by Elizabeth by doing just random
shit around the boat or watching movies or whatever. But when you’re trapped in
505ft of metal having to see the same person who ripped out your heart with no
care, it gets to you. Everytime we’d hit port id hit the bottle extra hard in
hopes that, even if just for one night, I could forget about that devil woman
and be somewhat normal. What brought me out of it? That’s for me to know, but
just know that if I didn’t have such great friends then I would never have made
it through.
In about two months ill be taking my first ever trip to New
York City. The thought of traveling to such a large city gives me the chills
sometimes. I wasn’t raised in a big city so trying to work my way through them
is quite the task. Even in Tokyo, a city that I studied meticulously beforehand,
was a bit much for me. Luckily for me I have my little duck and all her friends
there. I told her I wanted to see *her* NYC, not the TV one. It cool to
go and see all the touristy places, wait in line forever to stand at the top of
the statue of liberty and all that, but its not what I want. I want to go to
the local restaurants and go into a food coma. Things like that. Given the
chance I want to live like a new Yorker, if only for a few days.
More to come. Stay tuned
